Bhaiya Maal Chahiye.

Instead of wasting time on pleasantries and explaining why I decided to pen down a blog, I'll cut straight to the chase.

Yesterday, the 20th of October, was some Sikh festival and my college was closed. So, I did what any teenager would've done, I made plans to go out with my friends instead.

Pappu* was naturally my first accomplice. So we made a few calls the night before and made sure a fairly decent amount of folk showed up for whatever it is that we decided to do.

Pappu and Sunita*(my female friend) picked me up from the metro station early in the morning and we decided to head off to Defence Colony, another friend's place, for everyone who was supposed to show up later on was either sleeping or facebooking at 10 in the morning. (I know I have weird friends, I'll thank you for not pointing that out individually.) So moving on, thanks to the horrible morning traffic we were taking longer than usual to reach our eventual destination and conversation flew as it does amongst the three of us. We were discussing how one of my other friends would be procuring us raw weed from his current trip to Punjab.

Now I have to point out that I don't know a rat's bottom about weed and its usage, and thus naturally Pappu started arguing that such weed would be totally unusable as none of had the know-how on the processing of naturally procured weed. So Pappu took it upon himself to get the two of us high.

A Solution Reached: We buy Weed.

Smart idea, that. Except that, we only knew of one place to get our hands on weed, Nizamuddin. So we decided to take a slight detour on our way to Def-Col. Now Nizamuddin(for you non-Delhi and ignorant Delhi people) is the perfect example of Capitalist India. One part is uber posh, while the other is just a cut above being labeled a slum. We, obviously, had to go to the latter. I was relaxed, sitting at the backseat thinking Pappu knew where he was taking us and that he would go and get the weed pronto. But life's not that pretty, is it?

A Shock Delivered: He stops the car under a fly-over, points to a backgate of what looked like a Mandir Complex and goes, "Jamie, that's the gate where you're supposed to go and ask for weed."

Beyond doubt there must've been an error in communication. Surely he won't send me(!) to go get it. But his face shows no trace of humour and Sunita just looks glad she won the Choromosome battle 19 years ago. Now with my pride at stake, I wouldn't dare blurt my fears out-loud. I try to keep a straight face and ask him what I'm to do.

A Plan Explained:

Go to the gate.
It's closed!.
Ofcourse it's closed! There's a Baba sitting beside the gate, Holler and ask him if he's got weed.
I'm NOT Hollering nothing.
I didn't mean shout, just ask him if he's got weed, buy shit worth Rs. 50 and come back, simple(Yeah right). That should be enough for the three of us.
Ummm, could you take the car closer?
Don't be silly. Can't you see that man peeing right beside the gate, we have a girl in our car, have some shame.
Right.

Pappu, I don't suppose the 'Baba' will know what weed is.
Hmmm. Good point. Ask him if he has 'Maal'. Maal?! Are you crazy? I'm not asking some 'Baba' for 'Maal', it's crazy. I swear it's called Maal.

At this point I have to point out that Sunita, on hearing Pappu's final statement, started laughing profusely.

Plan in action: I walk out of the car, look back at road we came from, and I could swear I remembered seeing thullas at the intersection who are barely out of sight at the moment. Trying to ignore my impulse of running back to the car, I walk towards the iron gate and peek inside. Praying with all I have for a miracle to get my out of this fiasco prone plan(It's amazing how I become religious at the best times possible). All I see is an empty patch of land with absolutely no trace of human presence. Thanking the Lord I can't help but suppress a sigh of relief as I turn around and mouth the words "Koi nahi hai" along with the adequate hand gestures at the two in the car.

But on my way back. I see this absolute 'Charsi' looking Hobo approaching me rapidly. I quicken my pace so as to reach the car before getting intersected by him. But I'm no Bolt. He intersects me before I reach the car.

A New Character Introduced: The following conversation takes place between the two of us:

Hobo: Kya hua Bhaiya?

Me: Kuch nahi. Kuch nahi.

Hobo: Kuch chahiye kya aapko?

Me: **Gulps** Aapko pata hai yahan par 'maal' kahan se milega?

Hobo: Kitne ka chahiye? Sau(100) vala ya pachas(50) vala?

Me: Pachas vala chahiye.
**I take out cash and hand it over**

Hobo: Theek hai, Yaheen pe ruko.

**Now I am an amateur I know, but I'm not stupid**

Me: Arrey bhaiya aise thode hi hota hai.

Hobo: Kya matlab?

Me: Paisa vaapas karke jao.

**Charsi Hobo reluctantly hands over the money and disappears in some alley a hundred or so metres from the car**

2 Minutes = Eternity: I head back to the car and sit in. Pappu looks inquisitively and I tell him about the conversation. He gets smug as if this was his plan in the first place and says. "Bola tha na mil jaega." I am too nervous to scream/argue so I ignore him.
Sunita is still laughing on the "I swear it's called Maal" statement. Thicko.
So we sit in the car and wait. I keep my eyes on the alley which is perilously close to where the thullas were supposed to be. And after what felt like a day, I see the guy coming out of the alley. Pappu screams, "Saale go and get it, don't make him bring it near the car!". I pass a look that wished him a death by torture and got out to collect the "Maal".

Some Haggling: I walk briskly towards the Mr.Hobo. He motions that I keep on moving ahead of the car for there are thulles near the alley. He says he couldn't find pachas vale packet so he got me 2 worth 30 each. I am in no mood to complain and realise I don't have enough cash. I run back to the car, take money from Sunita and to pay the guy asap.
After pocketing the money the guy goes, that was for the weed, now my pension. I tell him, I don't care if you're a middle man or the producer, I aint giving him anymore money. But he starts pleading so I hand him over 10 bucks.
I nearly sprint back to the car and bellow at Pappu to get the car away from that rotten place.

A Conclusion: Yeah I was scared out of my wits, I had never bought anything as shady and anything from a shadier place. But once all of it was over and we had almost reached Def Col, I could actually look back and laugh about it as everyone who's too cool to be scared does. I will explain the ordeal involved when we tried smoking the thing the next time I write.

Then Pappu reminds me that by "Maal" the Hobo might've also brought me a prostitute. I try not to think about the adventures I'd have had in such a scenario and find another reason to be all the more glad that the entire business got over with.

Sunita, on the other hand, has tears in her eyes by now, and is still repeating "I swear it's called Maal" and laughing herself into oblivion.

I will kill my friends one day, I tell you.

*Names changed to protect privacy or whatever. Thanks Ayena for the name suggestions. Perfect.